INSIGHT AND ADVICE ON THE FEAR OF EMOTIONAL INTIMACY AND HOW TO MANAGE IT

Checking into Facebook on a Monday morning, 33-year-old Caprice was gutted. There were no photos uploaded onto her 35-year-old partner Dante’s page showing them together at the beach party over the weekend. It felt like Dante was saying that they weren’t a couple, and that he didn’t enjoy being with her.

She always made a point of ‘liking’ stuff that family and friends put up because it made them happy, and only took a second to do. Why couldn’t Dante do the same? It must mean that their relationship was on shaky ground and that she wasn’t good enough to “show off!”

Later that day she checked into Facebook again. There were still no pictures. Nothing on Instagram either. Hope died completely that Dante was ever going to do what she thought was the proper things for couples in love.  The text she sent Dante from that disappointed place felt to him as if he were being scolded and then controlled. He felt pressure to do as she said or else be labeled as unloving!

When they met after work that night Dante exploded with anger about being forced to do what Caprice wanted in order to prove his loyalty and commitment. What about all the things he did for her at home? How many other men did the cooking and the laundry? Why wasn’t it enough that they had a fantastic time at the beach party and everyone saw them as a great couple?

 

The big fight started! It was always the same one!

 

Beginning:

Why can’t you do this little thing for me?

Why don’ you see all the things I already do?

 

Middle

Why can’t you post on Facebook and Instagram like other couples do?

Why can’t I do it when I feel like it instead of when you force me?

 

End

I post to make you feel special, so why can’ you do that for me?

Why aren’t I good enough the way I am? Okay, if it means that much, I’ll do it.

If you do it now it isn’t the same. You’re just doing it because I asked, not because yu really mean it!

 

Back and forth, back and forth, FaceBook and Instagram posts become the currency of the relationship.

It’s a great way of avoiding emotional intimacy.

It’s a great way of avoiding the vulnerability that came when they had a good time at the beach party – which could otherwise trigger fear of being abandoned.

It’s a great way of making sure good moments are not fed and nurtured with focused attention and appreciation on them.

It’s a wonderful way of souring emotionally intimate experiences so that they don’t come up again.

But best of all, it an expert move to cover up the fear of emotional intimacy that plagues their relationship.

After all, if they got emotionally intimate it meant being exposed –

What if Caprice saw Dante’s ugly bits? Would she get disgusted and walk away?

What if Dante saw Caprice’s ugly and shameful bits? Would she hold her nose and become condemnatory and judgmental?

NOT WORTH THE RISK!

But if Facebook and Instagram posts are the issue then they can condemn, judge, show disgust and punish each other with abandonment threats repeatedly – with no ugly bits showing!

 

How can they lower their fear of emotional intimacy and keep the ugly bits under cover?

• Hold onto the good moments and replay them whenever Caprice feels unimportant.
• Savor the moments together whenever Dante feels unappreciated.
• Look at their photos together and relive their bonding experience

 

copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D. 2015

 

Author of: Now You Want Me, Now You Don't! Fear of Intimacy: Ten ways to recognize it and ten ways to manage it in your relationship

"Dr. Raymond takes us through a case study where we hear from both sides of a couple going through marital issues and counseling. I thought that was an excellent way to illustrate the 10 steps Dr. Raymond introduced. The information contained is raw, gritty, and I became emotionally involved in the outcome of the couple's relationship. Is it all sweetness and light? heck no, but it is fascinating." Reviewer on Net Galley

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Disclaimer: this article is for informational and educative purposes only. Dr. Raymond is not responsible for any reactions you may have when reading the content or using the suggestions therein. Interacting with this material does not constitute a therapeutic relationship with Dr. Jeanette Raymond

 

 

ADVICE ON THE FEAR OF EMOTIONAL INTIMACY AND HOW TO MANAGE IT

 

Do you have a 'date night' set aside each week?

Do you look forward to it, or is it just an evening away from the usual routine?

Are you and your partner going on date nights just because it gives the appearance of a good relationship, but don't enjoy the experience?

 I work with so many couples who either have no date nights or who pay lip service to the purpose it serves.

Some couples go out to a movie and or restaurant, but barely speak a word to each other.

Other couples find a connection by using the shared time to create mutual enemies within their extended families.

 

Rarely do couples maximize the opportunity to use date night to get closer to each other and strengthen their bonds.

Here are 5 ways couples could capitalize on their chance to be emotionally intimate through date nights:

1. Recapture the thrill of hanging out together with no particular agenda or activity.

When you get out of the roles you play in everyday life, you get to see and experience the essence of each other. That authentic and genuine aspects of yourselves reappear. You get to tap into those vital parts of the person you fell in love with, and recharge the batteries of attachment.

2. Give yourself a chance to dress up and feel attractive and desirable again.

When you live with your partner it's hard to feel physically and emotionally attractive when you are dealing with chores and work demands.  Conflict and tension don't inspire you to keep yourself fit and looking good. When you don't feel close emotionally, you have no incentive to make yourself desirable physically.

Date night gives you a regular weekly opportunity to press the reset button and refresh the process. Making the effort to look good for yourself and your partner boosts the value of the investment you are making in the time you spend together alone together.

When you dress up and feel sexy and attractive you approach your partner in a different way. Instead of seeing someone who arrived late or forgot to pick up the dry cleaning, you see, smell and touch someone who excites you and makes you feel wanted.

3. Committing to a specific time together each week boosts confidence that you are wanted, valued and important to your partner.

Being chosen as 'the one' your partner wants to spend time with is a special feeling. It can get lost when your routine takes over and your relationship needs get sidelined or put on hold. Feeling sought after is a huge turn on both sexually and emotionally. Each of you feel confident and have a good sense of self. When you feel good about yourself you become a more solid person that your partner can relate to and enjoy.

4. Space and time to share your deepest fantasies, fears and hopes.

One of the most important aspects of emotional intimacy is feeling safe enough to share fantasies about your life together – or some of your disappointments. It's letting your partner see your inner self that creates trust, empathy, and mutual comforting despite hearing things that may not be too pretty. The delicate nature of exposing your inner fantasies and be accepted is the core of emotional intimacy.

 

5. Provides an atmosphere of togetherness where you have the incentive to jointly work on entrenched and thorny family, life style and other issues.

When you are  struggling with daily life it's hard to find room for listening to each others point of view when you just want to get the problems solved. But date night gives you the incentive to check in with each other, see where you are both coming from and TOGETHER solve the issues, rather than berate each other for dropping the ball.

 

AUTHOR OF 'Now You Want Me, Now You Don't! Fear of Intimacy: ten ways to recognize it and ten ways to manage it in your relationships."

 

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D. 2015

 You might also like:

Three ways to conquer the fear of emotional intimacy when the walls are up.

Five reasons why being perfect kills emotional intimacy

Complimenting your partner can cause relationship problems

 

Disclaimer: this article is for informational and educative purposes only. Dr. Raymond is not responsible for any reactions you may have when reading the content or using the suggestions therein. Interacting with this material does not constitute a therapeutic relationship with Dr. Jeanette Raymond