Three Ways to Conquer Your Fear of Emotional Intimacy When Your Walls Go Up

Three Ways to Conquer Your Fear of Emotional Intimacy When Your Walls Go Up

October 25th, 2014 Comments Off
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Conquering The Fear of Emotional Intimacy

fear of intimacy 1


Childhood scars build strong, safe and solid emotional walls to protect you from being hurt with lies, neglect, broken promises, name calling, put downs and rejection.

You had to take care of yourself somehow when you were little just to survive.

You did the best thing at the time, and made sure you would never feel needy and let that wall crumble.

It worked. You stayed safe but unconnected.

But now you want a romantic connection or maybe you have one that isn't working out too well.

The Walls are getting in the way of you making that connection and letting yourself be loved and cared for.

The child in you remembers only fear and a need to be safe.

So whenever the possibility of a relationship shows up, your child's memory wipes away everything else and tells you that you are in danger.

No matter the genuineness and gentleness of your romantic partner you see them as potential foxes dressed in sheeps clothing.

Emotional intimacy becomes a threat.


Now You Want Me, Now You Don't! Fear of Intimacy

Conquering the fear of emotional intimacy involves three basic steps

1. Building a window into your thick wall.

You can see through it, and your partner can see you. Sharing of experiences and watching each others reactions from the safety of your fortress through the window is safe while not shutting love and interest in you out.

Now You Want Me, Now You Don't! Fear of Intmacy

2. Opening that window and holding hands.

Feeling the touch and warmth of someone who cares establishes trust and builds safe bonds as the hormone oxytocin is released with skin to skin contact.


Now You Want Me Now You Don't! Fear of Intimacy


3. Making a door together that allows you to welcome your lover in, but also allows you to throw them out when you get full, or anxious.

Doing something together that lets you keep control while still establishing a connection is a wonderful way of growing your sense of safety and trust. The joint act of taking care of you helps you separate the trauma of childhood scars from the reality of the love you have available now.


You won't feel safe and carefree all the time. But you are getting there slowly and with the help of someone you have chosen to connect with.


copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D. 2014

AUTHOR OF: Now You Want Me, Now You Don't! Fear of Intimacy: Ten ways to recognize it and ten ways to manage it in your relationship.

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