INSIGHT AND ADVICE ON THE FEAR OF EMOTIONAL INTIMACY AND HOW TO MANAGE IT

 

 

 

Looking forward to spending an evening with her thirty-two year old partner Beau, Miranda opened the door to their apartment to find him slouched in the couch watching TV. He hadn't got dinner ready as he usually did on Wednesday evenings when she worked late. Concerned, she went over and put her arm over his shoulder and asked what was bothering him. Beau didn't respond, staying quiet and treating her as if she didn't exist.

Anxious about where she stood with Beau, she tried to engage him with offers of tasty foods, and her listening ear so that she could comfort him and fix whatever was making him sad and withdrawn. The more she asked him how he was doing the more he rejected her overtures. He felt he was being buttered up and manipulated so that he wouldn't demand that she live by his rules.

Suddenly he seemed to erupt and harangued her about her messy place that he had to organize. He accused her of  spending time with her friends and others from her past as if she didn't have a boyfriend. He felt disrespected and unimportant. Worst of all she was so free and easy with them physically that it made him wonder if she knew how to be in a romantic relationship. This was his power – getting her to observe the rules of committed relationships.

Hurt and surprised at Beau's outburst Miranda teared up and tried to defend herself. Beau became more enraged with each of her defensive statements, seeing them as a betrayal of trust. Frustrated and angry that she couldn't convince Beau of her commitment to the relationship Miranda attempted to stop him by getting him in the most sore and tender place – calling him crazy and paranoid. That freaked him out, as he heard echoes of his mother and other women invalidating his experience and telling him what he should think and feel!

Consumed with fear that he wasn't "all there" made Beau very insecure and unsafe. He felt disgusted with himself for being with Miranda, justifying his need to withdraw as he heard her lose control and swear at him. It was such a relief to be calm and stable again. But a couple of hours later Beau felt empty and scared. He wanted to fill himself up with something warm and affectionate. Beau tried to make up with Miranda, using foreplay to turn her on. But she couldn't respond, turning cold and rejecting – paying him back for the way he had rejected her and made her feel like trash only a short time ago. Now it was her turn to feel disgusted!

Beau wanted that 'high' of sexual union after a fight – taking possession of her while feeling like she was begging for it. He was coming from a place of desperation to fill the hole he had created by insulting Miranda. But she was still full of all the nastiness he had expelled into her, plus her own fury that made him seem like a nutcase. Why would she want to be intimate with a mad person? Miranda got her power by refusing his sexual advances.

Neither had any idea what emotional intimacy felt like or how important it could be. They were addicted to the push and pull that is part of a pattern of fear of intimacy. 

When Miranda offered to be of comfort to Beau he pushed her away with nasty comments. He was afraid that surrendering to her would mean giving up control – he would have to give up his mind to her.

When Beau got past his anger and wanted to make up, she rejected him, fearing the intimacy because it would mean her surrendering to his way of depicting her – she would have to give her mind to his will.

These cycles happened every two or three days. Often they would need to live apart in order to find their feet again. And just when they did, they would both feel that magnetic pull again, desperate for union at all costs, just like any other addiction. The pain, insecurity and stress would be forgotten and they would come together in blissful exciting sex. But they didn't have to get emotionally close. They got physically intimate and then went through the same cycle.

When a relationship is an addiction with highs, lows, and withdrawal symptoms- it's a danger sign.

It comes from tragic and traumatic childhoods that require numbing when relationships trigger huge emotions.

Consider your partner choice!

Read the book below and discover the value of therapy to help get you out of this destructive loop.

copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D. 2015

 

Author of: Now You Want Me, Now You Don't! Fear of Intimacy: Ten ways to recognize it and ten ways to manage it in your relationship

"Difficult subject but fascinating read. I gave this book 4 out of 5 stars because though I was dismayed at times by the subject matter, I was riveted by the real life story playing out in my hands. Dr. Raymond takes us through a case study where we hear from both sides of a couple going through marital issues and counseling. I thought that was an excellent way to illustrate the 10 steps Dr. Raymond introduced. The information contained is raw, gritty, and I became emotionally involved in the outcome of the couple's relationship. Is it all sweetness and light? heck no, but it is fascinating."  Janet Kinsella, book reviewer.

Disclaimer: this article is for informational and educative purposes only. Dr. Raymond is not responsible for any reactions you may have when reading the content or using the suggestions therein. Interacting with this material does not constitute a therapeutic relationship with Dr. Jeanette Raymond

ADVICE ON THE FEAR OF EMOTIONAL INTIMACY AND HOW TO MANAGE IT

 

Do you feel your relationship is like a battle ground where you are constantly having to defend against unjust comments, sneaky twists of your words used against you, and always having to prove your self and your righteousness?

Does it feel like a never ending war that you can't win, but that you can't give up either?

Then it's likely you are at war with yourself to try and be a person you are not!

When the pressure gets too much, you can't be the enemy and the besieged, so you give the enemy hat over to your partner –

Hey presto the relationship is full of tension, conflict and attempts to score points!

No hope of emotional intimacy.

No chance of understanding or support. Just stress and destruction of the bonds between you and your partner.

So watch this video and get some insight into how your war with yourself becomes a war with your partner that destroys emotional intimacy.

Then learn how you can get a handle on the conflicts you have raging inside you, and learn how to soothe your wounds.

 

 

 

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D. 2015

 You might also like:

Relationship rules can harm a marriage

How to stop the cycle of love turning into anger and hate

How to stop a conversation turning into a fight

 

 

Disclaimer: this video is for informational and educative purposes only. Dr. Raymond is not responsible for any reactions you may have when reading the content or using the suggestions therein. Interacting with this material does not constitute a therapeutic relationship with Dr. Jeanette Raymond

Tips on Conquering The Fear of Emotional Intimacy

Thirty-four-year-old Justine loved her job as an EMT service person with her local Fire Department. She enjoyed the excitement of rushing to save people in car accidents or from overdosing alone at home. But when it came time to go home and be a wife and mother, she got anxious and stressed.

Would her two year old daughter Tricia run to her or be upset that her mom had been away so long and cling to the nanny instead? Could she trust her thirty-seven-year-old husband Andre, a policeman to remember to bring home the pet food for their three dogs? Was he going to take the dogs for a walk tonight so she could have some quality time with Tricia?

 

Anticipating being let down by your partner creates anxiety and whips up a fear of emotional intimacy

Anxiety rose to overflowing proportions as Justine pulled up to the garage, waiting for door to open. Her head started pounding and her breath became shallow. Her eyes scanned the house to make sure everything was okay, while that voice in her head kept speaking about her fury and disappointment that Andre just didn’t seem to care about how stressed and overloaded she was. It was just liked she felt growing up as a young girl, coming home from school and finding her mother out, no food prepared and dogs that had messed inside because they hadn’t been walked during the day!

As Andre got ready to switch his squad car for his own and head on home, his mind went to what he would be expected to do when he arrived. What would Tricia pick on to castigate him about tonight, and how could he communicate that he was doing a ton of things that she didn’t see? Feeling invisible in what he did, he was spotlighted for what he didn’t do, and nothing seemed to alter that pattern. That was how he used to feel on his way home from school as a young teen. Instead of complimenting him for his excellent school grades, he was lambasted by his overworked mother for not tidying his bedroom and clearing up the breakfast dishes earlier that day.

Filled with a mix of resentment and a need to defend what he expected would be an onslaught of accusations, Andre entered the house and went straight to pick up Tricia and give her a hug. Feeling ignored, Justine went ballistic. How could he put her in second place? She was his wife, yet she meant so little.

Attempting to apologize and placate Justine didn’t help at all. She was incensed that no amount of repentance seemed to soften her tone. He was the embodiment of both her negligent parents and she wasn’t going to be convinced otherwise. Furious and scared that he wasn’t able to persuade his wife of his ‘goodness’, Andre took the dogs out, hoping she would feel his loss and welcome him back in a more contrite fashion.

As they got ready for bed that night, Andre wanted to get close and feel welcomed back into Justine’s life. But she made sure to keep him out. She complained about the light on his night stand and the fact that she needed to be up at 5:00 am, telling him to use the guest room.

Three days later, Justine called Andre as she was driving home from a tough day at work. She had seen a woman bleed out on the road, unable to save her from a crushing vehicular hit and run. She wanted him to put his arms around her and comfort her, while she cried and wound down from the horror of what she had witnessed. But when she got home, Andre was cold and distant. He had prepared the dinner, this being his short working day, going through the motions of asking her stuff. Justine wished she could run away and find another person to comfort her, while simultaneously wanting to throw the dinner at Andre for not being what she needed at that moment.

Retaliation and punishment substitute for closeness and warmth

When Justine needs Andre he isn’t available, and when Andre needs Justine she isn’t available – impasse. Each one is longing to be wanted be close, but just at the moment it is most needed, the door gets slammed. Retaliation is the driving force, and the desire for emotional intimacy gets snuffed out.

This is a classic example of both partners being afraid of emotional intimacy. Despite their longing the fear trumps and they just keep shutting one and other out.

Fear of emotional intimacy

·        makes you put the walls up even if you deprive yourself of something you desire.

·        Makes you choose the safety of being shut in while keeping the other out.

·        Makes you feel strong because you are punishing your loved one

 

BUT  fear of emotional intimacy also

 ·        Keeps you isolated, alone and suspicious

·        Keeps you feeling martyred in your goodness, making your partner ‘bad.’

·        Keeps the old story going about your partner being mean and cold- reinforcing it in a way that leaves no room for trust, safety and connection.

·        Keeps you from knocking a hole in the wall and trying something new and rewarding.

Breaking down the walls involve going down the bumpy road of relating hand-in-hand by:

1. Speak your fears of being ignored and let down. It doesn't have to be a criticism of your partner, but offering a window into the lens of fear through which you exist in the relationship.

Benefits: you and your partner will realize that you are both afraid of each others disapproval. Once you see that you are in the same boat, you can begin to dispel the anxieties and avoid that default place of anticipating the negative response.

2.  Tell your partner how you feel about your relationship when you are disappointed. For example, that you want to teach them a lesson, or that you want them to feel your pain. That stops the cycle of revenge and punishment because you can call each other out on it.

Benefits: you recover quicker from that place of hurt, and get wise to the ploys used by your partner to get you to come to you and beg for you to return to the relationship.

Listen to my interview with Dr. Gordon Atherley to get tips on how to break down those walls.

 

 

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

 Read excerpts of the book here