INSIGHT AND ADVICE ON THE FEAR OF EMOTIONAL INTIMACY AND HOW TO MANAGE IT

 

You are longing for your partner to notice that you feel left out and useless in the relationship.

But your partner only sees what they do for you and how little you reciprocate.

You become morose to get your partner to worry, but all you get is words of disapproval that you aren't pulling your weight.

Your partner feels burdened and gets upset at you.

Both of you have hit a wall.

Neither of you can see a way through it or over it.

You both want to hold hands again and remove that wall separating you, but there is no closeness

You can't function properly while you are feeling so unimportant

You keep banging your head against the wall hoping it will bleed and make your partner feel guilty, bash down the wall and tend to you.

Your partner is finding it increasingly challenging to maintain juggle all the balls in the air, fantasizing about being emotionally intimate with you

Both of you get crabby and irritable without the soothing experience of emotional closeness

You can't take the pressure any more and make a threat – "I'm not going to your brother's party this weekend!"

Your partner counters with another threat, " I'm taking the car for a week when I go camping with my parents"

Overwhelmed with a sense of abandonment you and your partner make the wall higher and deeper.

More threats are needed to force one or other to climb over the top, or dig a tunnel underneath.

Because what you are both aching for is the comfort of emotional intimacy without the fear that you are giving up ground, or losing face.

In this video I tell the story of Tasha and Johnie who felt they were up against a wall that just kept getting taller and wider. I describe how I helped them in couples therapy to  take the risk of removing a brick here and there to make a tentative connection through mutual understanding.

They found their way back to an emotionally close place where threats were no longer the weapon of choice.

You can do it too, if you watch and use the same strategies.

 

 

 

 

 

 

copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D. 2015

 

Author of: Now You Want Me, Now You Don't! Fear of Intimacy: Ten ways to recognize it and ten ways to manage it in your relationship

" Thanks a million for writing this book. To my knowledge, it is the best book on the market on this subject. No other book I have read gives you an inside into the dynamics both partners apply in a relationship where commitment fear is at play. Anyone in such a relationship knows about the trauma, pain and hopelessness. This book showed me where I go wrong and what I do to trigger my partner’s behaviour. It gave me a real inside in what my partner feels in moments when everything escalates and how I contribute to it. It also gave me extremely good guidance what I can do to break this unhealthy cycle. What I liked most is that this book does not stigmatise people with this problem and it does not tell you to leave your partner – like most books on this subject do. The experience of Dr Raymond really shows – this book was written to help you; and that is exactly what it did for me. I am so glad this book exists. "  Regina E.

 

 

 

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Disclaimer: this article is for informational and educative purposes only. Dr. Raymond is not responsible for any reactions you may have when reading the content or using the suggestions therein. Interacting with this material does not constitute a therapeutic relationship with Dr. Jeanette Raymond

 

INSIGHT AND ADVICE ON THE FEAR OF EMOTIONAL INTIMACY AND HOW TO MANAGE IT

Tracy, a thirty-three-year-old web designer longed to settle down with a good man, get her family to bond with his, and then have children. She had found decent men in the past, but they didn’t want to settle down in the time frame she had in mind. Other men had been acceptable but had addictions outside the relationship that made them emotionally unavailable to her. So she went in and out of romantic liaisons, hoping to find the right match. They were both safe, because she didn’t have to invest in them and then end up devastated down the road.

 

As Soon As Things Looked Perfect Tracy Became Uncomfortable

But now she was in love with thirty-five-year-old Phil who seemed to want what she wanted – the family life, a faith that was important to both of them, and strong ties to their families of origin. Everything looked good until she stayed with his family while Phil was away on a work assignment. She heard about his ex-girlfriend and how close they had been. In fact she was still a family friend. The idea of it made Tracy uncomfortable. She was also uneasy about the way Phil eased right back into the closeness with his mother on his return. His attempts to resume emotional intimacy with her felt wrong! How could he be close with his mother and her? How could he be good friends with his ex while romantically involved with her?

 

 

Red flags went up and she took note.

Tracy just didn’t feel safe. She stepped away from the relationship to protect herself against what she felt was a betrayal. In her eyes, Phil could only be ‘giving himself’ to one person at any one time. If she was his woman then he couldn’t be close with anyone else for any reason.

But Phil and Tracy had strong feelings for one another. They got engaged and started planning a wedding. Everything was going great, and that made Tracy happy but terrified. She was hurtling along into a union where she was going to be investing her whole being. She felt vulnerable and unsafe again. Focusing her anxiety on investigating Phil’s spending on credit cards she discovered that during a hiatus in their relationship, he had sent flowers and booked a weekend getaway for two! That was all she needed to see ANOTHER RED FLAG.

She broke off the engagement and suffered with many tears of sorrow, feeling let down and unable to trust Phil. But she felt safe.

Closeness and intimacy were existential threats to Tracy. Each time she came to the brink of having to ‘give herself’ completely to another she felt unsafe and found reasons why the guy wasn’t the right one.

Fear of intimacy was the key threat to her personal integrity. She couldn’t invest everything because it would mean living with unpredictability, no guarantees and unknown risks. Better to dig and find something, anything that she could legitimately use as a reason to back off.

But Tracy cried and cried out of loneliness.

She couldn’t trust the world to be solid under her feet.

Tracy is now stepping in and out of therapy because she knows there is a pattern to her behavior where she destroys potential joy in order to hold onto the reins of safety. She feels she gets in her own way, but isn’t sure how to move out of this fearful place.

As she works out her fears in therapy, she will learn to trust the outside world in the same way she trusts her family of origin to keep her safe. But it will come first with a good therapist to mediate that gap.

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D. 2015

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Disclaimer: this article is for informational and educative purposes only. Dr. Raymond is not responsible for any reactions you may have when reading the content or using the suggestions therein. Interacting with this material does not constitute a therapeutic relationship with Dr. Jeanette Raymond

 

Conquering The Fear of Emotional Intimacy

 

Childhood scars build strong, safe and solid emotional walls to protect you from being hurt with lies, neglect, broken promises, name calling, put downs and rejection.

You had to take care of yourself somehow when you were little just to survive.

You did the best thing at the time, and made sure you would never feel needy and let that wall crumble.

It worked. You stayed safe but unconnected.

But now you want a romantic connection or maybe you have one that isn't working out too well.

The Walls are getting in the way of you making that connection and letting yourself be loved and cared for.

The child in you remembers only fear and a need to be safe.

So whenever the possibility of a relationship shows up, your child's memory wipes away everything else and tells you that you are in danger.

No matter the genuineness and gentleness of your romantic partner you see them as potential foxes dressed in sheeps clothing.

Emotional intimacy becomes a threat.

 

Conquering the fear of emotional intimacy involves three basic steps

1. Building a window into your thick wall.

You can see through it, and your partner can see you. Sharing of experiences and watching each others reactions from the safety of your fortress through the window is safe while not shutting love and interest in you out.

2. Opening that window and holding hands.

Feeling the touch and warmth of someone who cares establishes trust and builds safe bonds as the hormone oxytocin is released with skin to skin contact.

 

 

3. Making a door together that allows you to welcome your lover in, but also allows you to throw them out when you get full, or anxious.

Doing something together that lets you keep control while still establishing a connection is a wonderful way of growing your sense of safety and trust. The joint act of taking care of you helps you separate the trauma of childhood scars from the reality of the love you have available now.

 

You won't feel safe and carefree all the time. But you are getting there slowly and with the help of someone you have chosen to connect with.

 

copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D. 2014

AUTHOR OF: Now You Want Me, Now You Don't! Fear of Intimacy: Ten ways to recognize it and ten ways to manage it in your relationship.

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