INSIGHT AND ADVICE ON THE FEAR OF EMOTIONAL INTIMACY AND HOW TO MANAGE IT

 

For the last ten minutes 33-year-old Hunter explained his frustration with having to be 31year-old Cloe’s caretaker, but she didn’t get it. No matter how often he shared his discomfort with having to worry about Cloe being on her own without friends or hobbies, she kept responding with the same phrase: “I get it, but I’m fine as I am. You don’t need to worry about me!”

This stock answer infuriated Hunter who found himself in a romantic relationship that seemed more like being a single parent than a partner! Cloe’s constant text’s and calls when he was away on business or playing in tennis tournaments, made it obvious that she wasn’t “fine” and needed constant reassurance that he was thinking of and missing her. One part of him felt guilty that he wasn’t with her while another part of him was glad to escape.

Longing to be his special one, Cloe felt put aside and unwanted. When Hunter spent time away from her and didn’t stay in touch with ongoing text messages and calls to check in she felt he preferred other people. She tried to make him see that her need for closeness was the essence of romantic relationships, and that he was lacking in that respect. Although he said he ‘got it’ and would try harder, she experienced it as paying lip service, just to end the discussion. All too soon he would tell her that he “couldn’t breathe” and that she needed to get a life outside of him. Hurt by his remarks, she felt misunderstood and frustrated.

So how come Cloe and Hunter are both feeling so frustrated about not getting through to one and other? Why are they both feeling so unseen and unfelt?

It’s all to do with getting empathy, but not the right sort.

When Hunter tells Cloe about not being able to breathe he wants her to sense his experience of being choked, understand it by recalling times when she has felt choked and then understand where he’s coming from. He wants affective (emotional) empathy .

But what he gets is cognitive (intellectual) empathy and that isn’t nearly as satisfying. Yes, Cloe ‘gets it’ – she registers that he is uncomfortable and blames her, but she isn’t validating his pain. He is receiving cognitive empathy which is totally unsatisfying.

Same for Cloe- she wanted Hunter to feel the pain of her longing, by referring back to a time when he longed to be close to someone and couldn’t – she wanted him to know that suffering and put his arms around her, hold and comfort her, while enjoying that intimate moment and creating more. She wanted affective empathy, but what she got was cognitive empathy – very disappointing and demoralizing. He said he ‘understood’ but it was just recognition that she had a need he wasn’t fulfilling. He didn’t really get her pain and suffering.

A recent study published in NeuroImage, 2015, found higher density of grey matter in different brain areas according to the type of empathy that was being felt for another. Those who had higher levels of affective (emotional) empathy, had more grey matter in the insula, found in the middle of the brain. Cognitive empathy high scorers had more grey matter in the midcingulate cortex, an area just above the corpus callosum which connects the left and right hemispheres.

When both partners in a romantic relationship are better at cognitive than affective empathy the result is often deep disappointment, and hopelessness that their will ever be that feeling of true connection, acceptance and union.

 

 

For empathy to be truly effective, all parts have to work in unison.

There has to be an intellectual recognition of what is going on for the other person, where they are coming from and what they are trying to tell you.

AND there has to be the affective piece – where you identify and emotionally experience similar feelings. It’s a deeper level of understanding and one that is absolutely necessary for relationship satisfaction.

Hunter and Cloe excelled in cognitive empathy because they got by in life that way. It was safe. It meant they could have some connections with important people in their lives, but not be vulnerable to the vagaries of emotions that may be difficult to control. They avoided feeling weak and easy to con. They had grown up with a defense against emotional intimacy by honing their cognitive empathy skills to the detriment of the affective side and were dealing with the consequences in a frustrating and unsatisfying relationship.

But it doesn’t have to be that way. They don’t need to let fear of emotional intimacy control them forever. Both can learn how to tune into their partners and bulk up the grey matter in the insula parts of their brain. They do that in therapy, where they receive affective empathy, grow it in themselves and then offer it to each other. Without the firsthand experience of affective empathy in a safe and nurturing therapeutic setting, the affective empathy parts of their brains are unlikely to be developed to their full potential.

 
 copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D. 2015

 

Author of: Now You Want Me, Now You Don't! Fear of Intimacy: Ten ways to recognize it and ten ways to manage it in your relationship

 

 You might also like:

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The secret ingredients for empathy in relationships – part 3

 

Disclaimer: this article is for informational and educative purposes only. Dr. Raymond is not responsible for any reactions you may have when reading the content or using the suggestions therein. Interacting with this material does not constitute a therapeutic relationship with Dr. Jeanette Raymond

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

INSIGHT AND ADVICE ON THE FEAR OF EMOTIONAL INTIMACY AND HOW TO MANAGE IT

 

 

 

Looking forward to spending an evening with her thirty-two year old partner Beau, Miranda opened the door to their apartment to find him slouched in the couch watching TV. He hadn't got dinner ready as he usually did on Wednesday evenings when she worked late. Concerned, she went over and put her arm over his shoulder and asked what was bothering him. Beau didn't respond, staying quiet and treating her as if she didn't exist.

Anxious about where she stood with Beau, she tried to engage him with offers of tasty foods, and her listening ear so that she could comfort him and fix whatever was making him sad and withdrawn. The more she asked him how he was doing the more he rejected her overtures. He felt he was being buttered up and manipulated so that he wouldn't demand that she live by his rules.

Suddenly he seemed to erupt and harangued her about her messy place that he had to organize. He accused her of  spending time with her friends and others from her past as if she didn't have a boyfriend. He felt disrespected and unimportant. Worst of all she was so free and easy with them physically that it made him wonder if she knew how to be in a romantic relationship. This was his power – getting her to observe the rules of committed relationships.

Hurt and surprised at Beau's outburst Miranda teared up and tried to defend herself. Beau became more enraged with each of her defensive statements, seeing them as a betrayal of trust. Frustrated and angry that she couldn't convince Beau of her commitment to the relationship Miranda attempted to stop him by getting him in the most sore and tender place – calling him crazy and paranoid. That freaked him out, as he heard echoes of his mother and other women invalidating his experience and telling him what he should think and feel!

Consumed with fear that he wasn't "all there" made Beau very insecure and unsafe. He felt disgusted with himself for being with Miranda, justifying his need to withdraw as he heard her lose control and swear at him. It was such a relief to be calm and stable again. But a couple of hours later Beau felt empty and scared. He wanted to fill himself up with something warm and affectionate. Beau tried to make up with Miranda, using foreplay to turn her on. But she couldn't respond, turning cold and rejecting – paying him back for the way he had rejected her and made her feel like trash only a short time ago. Now it was her turn to feel disgusted!

Beau wanted that 'high' of sexual union after a fight – taking possession of her while feeling like she was begging for it. He was coming from a place of desperation to fill the hole he had created by insulting Miranda. But she was still full of all the nastiness he had expelled into her, plus her own fury that made him seem like a nutcase. Why would she want to be intimate with a mad person? Miranda got her power by refusing his sexual advances.

Neither had any idea what emotional intimacy felt like or how important it could be. They were addicted to the push and pull that is part of a pattern of fear of intimacy. 

When Miranda offered to be of comfort to Beau he pushed her away with nasty comments. He was afraid that surrendering to her would mean giving up control – he would have to give up his mind to her.

When Beau got past his anger and wanted to make up, she rejected him, fearing the intimacy because it would mean her surrendering to his way of depicting her – she would have to give her mind to his will.

These cycles happened every two or three days. Often they would need to live apart in order to find their feet again. And just when they did, they would both feel that magnetic pull again, desperate for union at all costs, just like any other addiction. The pain, insecurity and stress would be forgotten and they would come together in blissful exciting sex. But they didn't have to get emotionally close. They got physically intimate and then went through the same cycle.

When a relationship is an addiction with highs, lows, and withdrawal symptoms- it's a danger sign.

It comes from tragic and traumatic childhoods that require numbing when relationships trigger huge emotions.

Consider your partner choice!

Read the book below and discover the value of therapy to help get you out of this destructive loop.

copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D. 2015

 

Author of: Now You Want Me, Now You Don't! Fear of Intimacy: Ten ways to recognize it and ten ways to manage it in your relationship

"Difficult subject but fascinating read. I gave this book 4 out of 5 stars because though I was dismayed at times by the subject matter, I was riveted by the real life story playing out in my hands. Dr. Raymond takes us through a case study where we hear from both sides of a couple going through marital issues and counseling. I thought that was an excellent way to illustrate the 10 steps Dr. Raymond introduced. The information contained is raw, gritty, and I became emotionally involved in the outcome of the couple's relationship. Is it all sweetness and light? heck no, but it is fascinating."  Janet Kinsella, book reviewer.

Disclaimer: this article is for informational and educative purposes only. Dr. Raymond is not responsible for any reactions you may have when reading the content or using the suggestions therein. Interacting with this material does not constitute a therapeutic relationship with Dr. Jeanette Raymond

Conquering The Fear of Emotional Intimacy

 

Childhood scars build strong, safe and solid emotional walls to protect you from being hurt with lies, neglect, broken promises, name calling, put downs and rejection.

You had to take care of yourself somehow when you were little just to survive.

You did the best thing at the time, and made sure you would never feel needy and let that wall crumble.

It worked. You stayed safe but unconnected.

But now you want a romantic connection or maybe you have one that isn't working out too well.

The Walls are getting in the way of you making that connection and letting yourself be loved and cared for.

The child in you remembers only fear and a need to be safe.

So whenever the possibility of a relationship shows up, your child's memory wipes away everything else and tells you that you are in danger.

No matter the genuineness and gentleness of your romantic partner you see them as potential foxes dressed in sheeps clothing.

Emotional intimacy becomes a threat.

 

Conquering the fear of emotional intimacy involves three basic steps

1. Building a window into your thick wall.

You can see through it, and your partner can see you. Sharing of experiences and watching each others reactions from the safety of your fortress through the window is safe while not shutting love and interest in you out.

2. Opening that window and holding hands.

Feeling the touch and warmth of someone who cares establishes trust and builds safe bonds as the hormone oxytocin is released with skin to skin contact.

 

 

3. Making a door together that allows you to welcome your lover in, but also allows you to throw them out when you get full, or anxious.

Doing something together that lets you keep control while still establishing a connection is a wonderful way of growing your sense of safety and trust. The joint act of taking care of you helps you separate the trauma of childhood scars from the reality of the love you have available now.

 

You won't feel safe and carefree all the time. But you are getting there slowly and with the help of someone you have chosen to connect with.

 

copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D. 2014

AUTHOR OF: Now You Want Me, Now You Don't! Fear of Intimacy: Ten ways to recognize it and ten ways to manage it in your relationship.

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