INSIGHT AND ADVICE ON THE FEAR OF EMOTIONAL INTIMACY AND HOW TO MANAGE IT

 

 

 

Looking forward to spending an evening with her thirty-two year old partner Beau, Miranda opened the door to their apartment to find him slouched in the couch watching TV. He hadn't got dinner ready as he usually did on Wednesday evenings when she worked late. Concerned, she went over and put her arm over his shoulder and asked what was bothering him. Beau didn't respond, staying quiet and treating her as if she didn't exist.

Anxious about where she stood with Beau, she tried to engage him with offers of tasty foods, and her listening ear so that she could comfort him and fix whatever was making him sad and withdrawn. The more she asked him how he was doing the more he rejected her overtures. He felt he was being buttered up and manipulated so that he wouldn't demand that she live by his rules.

Suddenly he seemed to erupt and harangued her about her messy place that he had to organize. He accused her of  spending time with her friends and others from her past as if she didn't have a boyfriend. He felt disrespected and unimportant. Worst of all she was so free and easy with them physically that it made him wonder if she knew how to be in a romantic relationship. This was his power – getting her to observe the rules of committed relationships.

Hurt and surprised at Beau's outburst Miranda teared up and tried to defend herself. Beau became more enraged with each of her defensive statements, seeing them as a betrayal of trust. Frustrated and angry that she couldn't convince Beau of her commitment to the relationship Miranda attempted to stop him by getting him in the most sore and tender place – calling him crazy and paranoid. That freaked him out, as he heard echoes of his mother and other women invalidating his experience and telling him what he should think and feel!

Consumed with fear that he wasn't "all there" made Beau very insecure and unsafe. He felt disgusted with himself for being with Miranda, justifying his need to withdraw as he heard her lose control and swear at him. It was such a relief to be calm and stable again. But a couple of hours later Beau felt empty and scared. He wanted to fill himself up with something warm and affectionate. Beau tried to make up with Miranda, using foreplay to turn her on. But she couldn't respond, turning cold and rejecting – paying him back for the way he had rejected her and made her feel like trash only a short time ago. Now it was her turn to feel disgusted!

Beau wanted that 'high' of sexual union after a fight – taking possession of her while feeling like she was begging for it. He was coming from a place of desperation to fill the hole he had created by insulting Miranda. But she was still full of all the nastiness he had expelled into her, plus her own fury that made him seem like a nutcase. Why would she want to be intimate with a mad person? Miranda got her power by refusing his sexual advances.

Neither had any idea what emotional intimacy felt like or how important it could be. They were addicted to the push and pull that is part of a pattern of fear of intimacy. 

When Miranda offered to be of comfort to Beau he pushed her away with nasty comments. He was afraid that surrendering to her would mean giving up control – he would have to give up his mind to her.

When Beau got past his anger and wanted to make up, she rejected him, fearing the intimacy because it would mean her surrendering to his way of depicting her – she would have to give her mind to his will.

These cycles happened every two or three days. Often they would need to live apart in order to find their feet again. And just when they did, they would both feel that magnetic pull again, desperate for union at all costs, just like any other addiction. The pain, insecurity and stress would be forgotten and they would come together in blissful exciting sex. But they didn't have to get emotionally close. They got physically intimate and then went through the same cycle.

When a relationship is an addiction with highs, lows, and withdrawal symptoms- it's a danger sign.

It comes from tragic and traumatic childhoods that require numbing when relationships trigger huge emotions.

Consider your partner choice!

Read the book below and discover the value of therapy to help get you out of this destructive loop.

copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D. 2015

 

Author of: Now You Want Me, Now You Don't! Fear of Intimacy: Ten ways to recognize it and ten ways to manage it in your relationship

"Difficult subject but fascinating read. I gave this book 4 out of 5 stars because though I was dismayed at times by the subject matter, I was riveted by the real life story playing out in my hands. Dr. Raymond takes us through a case study where we hear from both sides of a couple going through marital issues and counseling. I thought that was an excellent way to illustrate the 10 steps Dr. Raymond introduced. The information contained is raw, gritty, and I became emotionally involved in the outcome of the couple's relationship. Is it all sweetness and light? heck no, but it is fascinating."  Janet Kinsella, book reviewer.

Disclaimer: this article is for informational and educative purposes only. Dr. Raymond is not responsible for any reactions you may have when reading the content or using the suggestions therein. Interacting with this material does not constitute a therapeutic relationship with Dr. Jeanette Raymond

TIPS ON THE FEAR OF EMOTIONAL INTIMACY AND HOW TO MANAGE IT

Is your house filled with clutter?

Are you unable to throw anything out?

Do you get frantic when you can't find something amid the clutter, resolve to tidy up, but lose the will to do it when the time comes?

Then you are probably afraid of letting go of past relationship memorabilia.

It's as if the objects that you hang onto are the ties that keep special relationships alive inside you.

It may look like clutter to the naked eye, and others may see nothing but junk, but to you it's an intrinsic part of your life, without which you would feel empty and lost.

1. This is called complex grief. If you haven't accepted the loss emotionally, then the objects that belonged to the person take on that person's place in your life, even if the objects themselves are not important. Getting rid of those objects would be like forcing you to grieve something that is too difficult and would destabilize you.

Complex grief doesn't get better on it's own. Professional help to open the gate for grief to speak, while you are being supported through your immense sense of loss, is vital.

BUT WHAT IF YOU AREN'T LOCKED UP IN GRIEF?

If you have had an unresolved relationship in the past, where things ended badly, you may carry some guilt about your part in that. You may feel that you abandoned a friend or loved one, or that you used someone who was kind to you. Maybe you wish you had valued someone more, or not rejected their love and availability so casually.

2. Clutter and hoarding often appeases guilt about a relationship that you felt badly about.

Perhaps you have regrets about the way you judged or treated the person with whom the objects are associated. It's a way that you can make amends, rather than kill off that connection entirely.

 

LOCKED UP IN GRIEF OR BEING CONSUMED WITH GUILT PREVENT YOU FROM BEING AVAILABLE FOR EMOTIONAL INTIMACY

Clutter and hoarding are highly effective ways of preventing emotional intimacy with partners and spouses. 

The focus of attention is the clutter that your partner complains about, that you feel bad about, and that comes between you. Your partner wants you to be available without any 'junk'. Your partner wants a clean and free connection with you. But because your are either filled with grief or guilt you have no room for closeness and intimacy. The clutter is a concrete symbol of the clutter inside you, depriving you of warmth, love, acceptance and love.

3. UNRELIABLE PEOPLE FROM YOUR PAST MAKE YOU TRUST MORE IN OBJECTS – CREATING A BARRIER TO EMOTIONAL INTIMACY

For many people, 'things' are more reliable and consistent than people, so clutter is their security blanket. Some people use alcohol or food to fill themselves up when they can't trust people, others use clutter. Yes, clutter will always be there for you, but look what you miss out on if you learn to connect, get close and filled with love. It won't always feel satisfying, but if you let it in, and push the clutter out, the chances are you will feel more loved than not. You can learn to manage your insecurity and stress in relationships with appropriate psychotherapy.

 

 Clutter and hoarding is also a way of trying to hang onto an idyllic time in ones life before you became disillusioned.

4. What if you still fantasize about your carefree youth, the fun you had when school was out every summer, and the security you felt growing up with so many family members and friends around you?

Then you may be putting on a suit of armor to protect you from the current reality that feels uncomfortable and scary to you.

You may be pining for a world that no longer exists, by holding onto things from the past that have no relevance to your life right now. In trying to make time stop still in the hope that you can recapture it – you block opportunities to be in the here-and-now. You can't face reality and the responsibilities it brings, NOR THE DEEP DISAPPOINTMENT AND DISILLUSIONMENT THAT LIFE ISN'T AS IT ONCE WAS.

 

Find out more about the fear of intimacy in my book below.

 

AUTHOR OF 'Now You Want Me, Now You Don't! Fear of Intimacy: ten ways to recognize it and ten ways to manage it in your relationships."

 

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

 You might also like:

How to Stop Hoarding as Your Intimacy Substitute

Perfectionism may be ruining your intimate relationships

Four Reasons Why Premarital Counseling Ensures That You Really Know the Person You Are Going to Marry

 

 

Disclaimer: this article is for informational and educative purposes only. Dr. Raymond is not responsible for any reactions you may have when reading the content or using the suggestions therein. Interacting with this material does not constitute a therapeutic relationship with Dr. Jeanette Raymond