TIPS ON THE FEAR OF EMOTIONAL INTIMACY AND HOW TO MANAGE IT

Is your house filled with clutter?

Are you unable to throw anything out?

Do you get frantic when you can't find something amid the clutter, resolve to tidy up, but lose the will to do it when the time comes?

Then you are probably afraid of letting go of past relationship memorabilia.

It's as if the objects that you hang onto are the ties that keep special relationships alive inside you.

It may look like clutter to the naked eye, and others may see nothing but junk, but to you it's an intrinsic part of your life, without which you would feel empty and lost.

1. This is called complex grief. If you haven't accepted the loss emotionally, then the objects that belonged to the person take on that person's place in your life, even if the objects themselves are not important. Getting rid of those objects would be like forcing you to grieve something that is too difficult and would destabilize you.

Complex grief doesn't get better on it's own. Professional help to open the gate for grief to speak, while you are being supported through your immense sense of loss, is vital.

BUT WHAT IF YOU AREN'T LOCKED UP IN GRIEF?

If you have had an unresolved relationship in the past, where things ended badly, you may carry some guilt about your part in that. You may feel that you abandoned a friend or loved one, or that you used someone who was kind to you. Maybe you wish you had valued someone more, or not rejected their love and availability so casually.

2. Clutter and hoarding often appeases guilt about a relationship that you felt badly about.

Perhaps you have regrets about the way you judged or treated the person with whom the objects are associated. It's a way that you can make amends, rather than kill off that connection entirely.

 

LOCKED UP IN GRIEF OR BEING CONSUMED WITH GUILT PREVENT YOU FROM BEING AVAILABLE FOR EMOTIONAL INTIMACY

Clutter and hoarding are highly effective ways of preventing emotional intimacy with partners and spouses. 

The focus of attention is the clutter that your partner complains about, that you feel bad about, and that comes between you. Your partner wants you to be available without any 'junk'. Your partner wants a clean and free connection with you. But because your are either filled with grief or guilt you have no room for closeness and intimacy. The clutter is a concrete symbol of the clutter inside you, depriving you of warmth, love, acceptance and love.

3. UNRELIABLE PEOPLE FROM YOUR PAST MAKE YOU TRUST MORE IN OBJECTS – CREATING A BARRIER TO EMOTIONAL INTIMACY

For many people, 'things' are more reliable and consistent than people, so clutter is their security blanket. Some people use alcohol or food to fill themselves up when they can't trust people, others use clutter. Yes, clutter will always be there for you, but look what you miss out on if you learn to connect, get close and filled with love. It won't always feel satisfying, but if you let it in, and push the clutter out, the chances are you will feel more loved than not. You can learn to manage your insecurity and stress in relationships with appropriate psychotherapy.

 

 Clutter and hoarding is also a way of trying to hang onto an idyllic time in ones life before you became disillusioned.

4. What if you still fantasize about your carefree youth, the fun you had when school was out every summer, and the security you felt growing up with so many family members and friends around you?

Then you may be putting on a suit of armor to protect you from the current reality that feels uncomfortable and scary to you.

You may be pining for a world that no longer exists, by holding onto things from the past that have no relevance to your life right now. In trying to make time stop still in the hope that you can recapture it – you block opportunities to be in the here-and-now. You can't face reality and the responsibilities it brings, NOR THE DEEP DISAPPOINTMENT AND DISILLUSIONMENT THAT LIFE ISN'T AS IT ONCE WAS.

 

Find out more about the fear of intimacy in my book below.

 

AUTHOR OF 'Now You Want Me, Now You Don't! Fear of Intimacy: ten ways to recognize it and ten ways to manage it in your relationships."

 

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

 You might also like:

How to Stop Hoarding as Your Intimacy Substitute

Perfectionism may be ruining your intimate relationships

Four Reasons Why Premarital Counseling Ensures That You Really Know the Person You Are Going to Marry

 

 

Disclaimer: this article is for informational and educative purposes only. Dr. Raymond is not responsible for any reactions you may have when reading the content or using the suggestions therein. Interacting with this material does not constitute a therapeutic relationship with Dr. Jeanette Raymond